Decision i made..

Recently..ichanged my blog link..i changed it due to i felt whats happening in our relationship should not be told to others..therefore i decided to change it..this blog was also actually meant to create to express my thoughts and it was not meant to tell people on whats happening between us..

That day we fought over a small matter which i consider maybe big..she likes other boys photo..that boy had cause our relationship to crack 3 times or maybe so..i do not know am i just blaming him or what but at least i and my gf are able to mend it back better but yet..if a wound that is healing got damaged again will only result in deeper wounds..

I am still in pain i guess..My friend told me that im tormenting myself everyday for small matters..

I do not know why i care for small stuff but maybe thats me..

Then,lately i have been thinking myself what i wanted actually..

i told her that i wanted to kiss..i really wish to because i feel like we are connected or something when we did it feels safe,relax,loved,tranquility..

Most importantly i can feel her love..that day she told me she will do it for my sake..she will try and overcome her fear of doing it...i am really happy she tried it....she tried it once which was yesterday i could feel her fear..

then today i tried it again and the way i see her make me feel that she do not wants it..

What i saw was just Forced kiss out of her and not a Love kiss..

The more i think..the more i felt she do not love me..

I do not want to think anymore..too much...

She told me she was still feeling scare and stuff..

But for me i still think she didn't love me deep enough..

So i decided to ask my friend for a piece of advice..

My question was simple..

Is doing stuff for your bf/gf which u do not want but u force yourself do it,it is the same as you make yourself willing to do it because you love him/her???

All of them hesitate and no answer come to me at last and i am still left in blurry state..

I looked at trees,sky,and stuff finding my answer and i screwed my biology i guess due to some reason..

Overworry and putting too much heart into a relationship are my weakness..thats what people said...

I do not care as long as i'm breathing i will love her as much as i could..

And due to this weakness people are starting to think i'm not a playboy because they said i looked like one..so i guess that not a weakness anyway..

Anyway when i reached home later in the afternoon i called her after she had her lunch..

Then she told me something..she wished that i would not kiss her for now..

Upon hearing that..i am startled,i was like hmmm what i did wrong..

I suck?or what and that left me blank and silent for few moments.................

I felt what i did is not enough therefore i will keep searching for more stuff to make her love me more..

thats what i hoped and thats what i wanted..

When the day come i hope we would have an eternal love...

So after i had my bath i think that maybe i should change into a guy who,do not wish for kisses and stuffs..

I guess i will be changing into one who wont feel love but only give love..

But nevermind..as long as i could love her its okay..if i do not feel her love also nvm..i just wanted her to be happy..

Kiss or not..I felt the love or not is not important anymore..

i would not burden our relationship anymore because of this..I promise i will change..i will change into the boy u wanted..i will change..........